My Life as a College Student

Sun, 04 Feb 2007 17:54:58 GMT

Updated book list!!

Garth Nix; Sabriel
Garth Nix: Lirael
Garth Nix; Abhorsen
Nora Roberts; Playing the Odds
Nora Roberts; Tempting Fate
Nora Roberts; The MacGregors, Julia
Nora Roberts; The MacGregors,Ian
Nora Roberts; The MacGregors,DC
Nora Roberts; The MacGregors,Laura
Nora Roberts; The MacGregors,Duncan
Nora Roberts; The MacGregors,Gwen
Nora Roberts; Angels Fall
Nick Hornby; High Fidelity
Brian Friel; Translations (A Play)
Somewhere Over the Balcony (also a Play)

15 / 100
(15.0%)

Fri, 19 Jan 2007 02:29:09 GMT

11 / 100
(11.0%)

so i upped it to 100 because i'm reading too much... ha ha ha right

adding to the previous list:
Nora Roberts (ALL)
The MacGregors
Julia
Ian
DC
Laura
Duncan
Gwen

yeah... that's 6 diff. books... ha ha ha

Books

Wed, 10 Jan 2007 20:19:19 GMT

It is my goal to actually keep track of the number of books and titles of the books that I read in 2007. I'm starting with a goal of 50 books but am sure I'll surpass that quickly...
This is the list so far...

Garth Nix; Sabriel
Garth Nix: Lirael
Garth Nix; Abhorsen
Nora Roberts; Playing the Odds
Nora Roberts; Tempting Fate

5 / 50
(10.0%)

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 19:33:14 GMT

this is stupid... writing all these entries that no one will read... but oh well... i need to vent...

i'm so sick of all this bullshit going on... i don't need this drama and arguing about nothing...

I don't know what I'm going to do next semester if he leaves... once again I feel like I've found someone who might actually care and be a good friend all the time... and it's not like that'll change... it's just that i don't know what i'll do... ugh

i give up...

damn

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 06:18:38 GMT

so I was just listening to old (I mean really old) Christina Aguilera. It evoked all these old feelings... like... this one song, Love For ALl Seasons... I used to really believe that I'd find someone... that I might be happy... ever... but no when I listen to it it just makes me laugh and cry simultaneously... I really used to believe in love... and now I just don't know anymore, at least not for me...

Since I don't think anyone (except Nikkie) reads this I'm content in saying this...

lately all I can think about is the fact that I'm alone... everything just smacks me in the face...

there's a formal for the Juniors here the first weekend in December... and I'd like nothing more than to have a date... I know it won't happen... and I used to believe that there was nothing wrong with wishing and dreaming... but I just can't believe that anymore... because I'm still sitting here, alone... just like I have been every fucking night of my life...

It might not seem like that big of a deal to anyone else... but I've never had any of that "normal" stuff people generally correlate with relationsihps... I've never been asked out, or liked for that matter, I've never been on a date, or kissed (technically), no one has ever held my hand or looked into my eyes...

this all makes me feel so pathetic...

ugh

SO..

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 03:26:45 GMT

SO I wrote

Anything But Ordinary

age 12

Today, her mom told her while they stood together in the cramped bathroom; today you take your first step toward being a woman.

She stared at the wrapped stick her mother had just handed her wishing she could just go back to yesterday when she didn’t have any worries.

But she couldn’t.

* * *

age 13

She had a crush on Frankie. It was her first one and she was both embarrassed and in shock of it. She’d tried make-up for the first time to impress him. She’d worn her nice clothes and giggled at everything he said.

In order to get him to touch her, they’d made a game. She and a friend had gone around hugging everybody, calling it “hug day”. He’d actually hugged her.

* * *

Age 14

She loved him with all the innocence and naivety only a fourteen year old knows. Everything about him was all she’d ever looked for. It didn’t matter that he was the “bad boy” and he was barely passing the 8^th grade, she didn’t care that he’d been called a “discipline problem”. He showed her was it was to care, to truly care, about someone you weren’t supposed to love. She never told him how she felt, not to his face, she wouldn’t dare, but she thought he just had to know, it was written all over her face, her language, her smile and the notebook she doodled in while she was supposed to be listening in class. Adam was it.

Her birthday party was the event of the month, everyone would be there; even Adam. She bought a new outfit (actually her Grandma bought it, it was her birthday present) she’d even put on make-up. It was all for him. When 7 o’clock rolled in and people started showing up, she couldn’t help but keep an eye on the door, searching for his searing blue eyes and that cute shy smile.

He came, but spent only a short hour there, in which time they talked shortly. Just before he left, however, he pulled her aside and looked her in the eyes. Pulling an envelope out of his pocket, he kissed her on the cheek and made his exit.

He had given her tickets to a concert, her favorite band, tickets she herself was unable to get. They were on the floor, in the middle and very close to the stage. He had to like her.

She asked him to go with her and he refused, weeks later she asked him on a date and he stopped talking to her. She had offered him the moon and stars and he had handed them back to her without a second glance.

They went to school together; they saw each other on a daily basis. She couldn’t pretend he hadn’t hurt her she couldn’t pretend she didn’t still love him.

He never talked to her again.

* * *

age 15

Brad kissed her tonight after the homecoming. It was her first kiss, her first slow dance.

They’d gone with a group, not as a couple, and she’d been sure he never even looked twice at her. They danced, and laughed throughout the whole of the blast of sound and rush of bodies. He’d pulled her close at the announcement of the final song, he’d kissed her while the music slowed and the lights were still dim.

When all had stopped, he released her quickly and told her he’d call her later.

He kissed her tonight, and she thought it was the best night of her life.

He never called.

* * *

age 16

Mitch had gotten his license just days ago, his car was still clean and the paint had no flaws.

He picked her up promptly at 7, taking only 10 minutes to meet her parents (they said she wasn’t allowed to go unless they met her date).

They went to the movies. He bought her ticket and even a soda for them to share. He held her hand.

Once again she thought everything was just perfect.

When he pulled up in front of her house, he leaned over and placed his lips cautiously over hers. She smiled and told him she’d see him at school.

He never asked her out again.

* * *

age 17

They were at the drive-in, celebrating the birthdays of many people. The cars were packed and everyone seemed to be hooking up, everyone except her. She moved from car to car, hoping to find someone who was actually watching the movie.

She found no one and sat alone outside, watching the screen change, unable to hear what was going on.

When one car started to pack up and leave, she jumped right in, wanting nothing more than to get the hell out of there. The car dropped off right next to her own which she’d left in the lot of the high school. She and a friend got in and they went to their friends’ house.

Stephen followed them there and invited himself in, not wanting to go home. They talked for hours, the three of them, not wanting to leave.

Closing the front door behind her, she bid him farewell and went to her car. Once again, he followed her there, to the door, and put his arms around her. They stood, arms around each other, talking and not talking.

He touched her like she’d never been touched before; he made silent promises as he pulled her gently into the backseat of her car.

She’d never even known of the world he showed her, the world he led her into. She never even knew she could hurt that badly.

He never even kissed her.

But she went back; she let him back into her life.

Only a few months later, at a party, they were left alone, locked together in an empty basement.

Once again she let him take advantage; she let him take what he wanted. They didn’t go all the way, he said he wasn’t ready; she knew it was just because he didn’t think she was good enough for him.

He never even kissed her.

She heard him tell a story later that night, to one of his ‘boys’ about a date he’d been on, about the girl he was actually willing to take out, and about a kiss they shared when he dropped her off after the evening.

He never even kissed her.

* * *

age 18

They were in the basement, a large group, watching movies and acting stupid. She’d had her eye on Jake for quite a while and was ready to make a move. After all, when alcohol was involved, everything was much easier.

The party was really kicking up and a large group moved to the hot tub outside. Jake included. She went willingly, prepared to have one hell of a time.

They flirted and talked, laughed and joked while the liquor flowed. Someone pulled out a bong, a bright orange blow up one that floated in the water, and they smoked a couple bowls.

She was feeling pretty confident, pretty psyched, she knew tonight would be the night. They’d hooked up before, multiple times, but for some reason he’d always stopped, always slowed them down before it went all the way. This time she wasn’t going to give him the chance.

They made their way back to the basement where someone had turned on porn—really bad porn—and sat alone, not talking, or looking at each other, or doing anything. She felt awkward, he probably did too, but they continued to sit there, silent watching two people have sex on the screen.

The party was coming to an end; people were finding their lost belongings and packing into cars headed home.

Jake looked over at her, she looked back at him.

He followed her up the stairs, to her bedroom.

It started just as it always had with them, the kissing and touching that happens when that’s all that’s going to happen. She wasn’t content with that this time.

When most of their clothes had been removed, when he’d lost his final barrier of security, she rolled over him, kissing her way from his lips to his chest and downward. She loved the taste of him, the smell and feel of him.

She surprised him when she raised herself over him and in one swift slow movement, she lost herself to him.

When they were finished, he turned from her without saying a word and dressed. He left without saying goodbye.

My first time was supposed to be with someone special, he told her the next day, you’re beautiful but…

* * *

age 19

It was the biggest party she’d ever been to. There were hundreds of drunken college-aged kids there living it up. She made her way to the line for the keg, alone for the first time all night, girls travel in packs, you know.

A guy walked up behind her, one she’d seen before. His name was Mike, or Mitch, one of those “M” names she was sure.

He was shitfaced, so drunk she imagined he didn’t really know where he was. That doesn’t matter though.

He hit on her blatantly, staring down the low cut shirt and ignoring the eyes she looked out of. She was flattered but decided not to follow through.

He walked her home.

A couple weeks later they met again, at an even bigger party with twice as many people. He followed her around; making sure her glass was always full.

She realized he was just getting her drunk, that he just wanted to get in her pants, but what difference did it make?

He walked her home once again, this time she invited him in.

* * *

age 20

She’d known Dave for years, had watched him grow from an awkward fumbling boy to an awkward fumbling young man. He was a pot head who found no pleasure in anything but a good hit and the video games he only stopped playing so he could sleep.

When he made the move, they were both really high, she was higher than she’d ever been before, and he knew she wouldn’t say no, he knew she wanted, needed, that attention.

He took the time to lay a blanket on the cold floor of his mothers’ basement but not to take any other precautions.

When he said goodbye it was with promises that they’d talk later, when they got the chance.

They never got the chance.

* * *

age 21 (this part is not real... i'm not even 21 silly)

They met in class, the very first day he sat next to her and introduced himself as Eric.

She was shy, scared of what pain another guy might bring. But he was persistent.

She often came into class to find a little note or drawing waiting for her, he was trying to break her down.

The first time he asked her out she said no. the second and third times too.

The first time they spent the night together she knew she had what she wanted. He fought for her, he fought with her, he gave and he took.

He told her what she needed to hear and he heard what she needed to say.

Eric never broke a promise, he didn’t make many but the ones he did she knew she could depend on.

This was how it’s supposed to be.

story for my fiction class that isn't really fiction... it's actually my story (minus ages 15, 16, and 21 obviously)... and everyone read it not knowing it was mine... and they were throwing around phrases like "tragically beautiful" and not believing that something like this would really happen... guys mostly were saying this... I don't know how that makes me feel really... I mean... I guess it's good that some guys think that stuff like this doesn't happen... 'cause it means they don't do this... but then another guy was like... what's wrong with this girl that she's being treated like this... and damn it that's what I've been asking myself for years...
I want something "normal" to happen, just once... I want something that I could never put in a story because it's "too happy"
I hate feeling sorry for myself... I hate crying...

:'(

Mon, 06 Nov 2006 07:28:22 GMT

SO watching Queer as Folk is terribly depressing... while I love love love the show, it makes me want things that I'm usually able to forget about... but damn... I want romance, and a man who loves me the way Ethan and Brian both love Justin... ugh...

We had a party saturday... none of my friends showed up and while I was very (and I really do mean very, I was about to go hide in my room and cry) unhappy at the beginning, I ended up having a blast. I mean, seriously... I finally met people I feel like I've been searching for the whole time I've been here...
that too makes me sad... but oh well... better late than never I suppose

I want a relationship so badly... I want someone to hug, to hold my hand... to want to talk to me, damnit... I want so much and I just don't feel like I'll ever really get any of it...

um...

Mon, 30 Oct 2006 06:46:18 GMT

So it occurred to me that I haven't posted here in a while and it's a habit I'd like to take up again... so my goal is to write something everyday... even if it's terribly stupid... so yeah...

I continue to find myself preoccupied with my subconscious need to find a guy... I mean... I really can't think of much else...
It's slightly terrifying that I can't find one... even moreso that I've come to realize that I'm almost 21 years old and I've never been on a date... shit I've never even been asked on a date... or "liked"
what the fuck is wrong with me...
I think maybe I just want to have sex... sometimes... then I think about how badly I want to be in a relationship
... ugh
i have to write a 2,000 word story for fiction by friday... and start another that needs to be around 15 pages for my other writing class... I'm a little worn out with story writing...

I'm off to bed... thank goodness for DUke... I'd be lost without him...

so I wrote a new poem... lemme know what you think!

Sat, 21 Oct 2006 19:51:50 GMT

The dog peed on the rug again and I’m all alone
The rain outside my window makes me want to dance; or cry.
Why should the hands he placed on my shoulder have set me off?
As if they themselves had caused all my pain

The first time I’ve been touched by a man in too long to mention
The first time, and it made me cry, tears stream down my face,
The rain has moved inside
Dark and cold

I have to be mad at the dog, he can’t keep doing this
But he’s all I have; my constant companion
He’ll always be there to give me affection
No one else has been

It smells like rain and piss and Febreeze
A bad mixture but somehow, some way, comforting
I put the rug in the washing machine
But I still smell it

I didn’t go to bed until about 6
No real reason, just didn’t want to sleep
When I sleep I let myself dream
My dreams only make me yearn for more

When I pick him up he rests his head on my shoulder
I want someone I can rest my head on
I want someone to love me like he does
He’s just a dog after all

It’s raining harder now, louder and
I’ve opened the window to let in the cold
Outside has become inside
Inside has become outside

lost

pathetic

Sun, 09 Apr 2006 06:32:38 GMT

Okay, so maybe I'm the biggest loser on the planet... and he was dancing with every other girl in the club... but damn when he came and grabbed my hand... I hit cloud nine, possibly even ten or eleven. It's been a long fucking time since I've liked someone like this, you know, to that point where you just smile thinking about his name... you see him and you can't stop smiling for hours.
Well... when he grabbed my hand and pulled me into that dance... I was completely lost to him.
I don't want to like someone like this, it tends lo lead to heartbreak. It's just because i'm so easily broken. I sit here smiling until I think about what "might" happen then I convince myself to stop because it never will. So far it never has.
I want so baldy for him to be the one to fill the hole that's in my heart... I want to be wanted that way.
It's been too damn long
I can't stop smiling
I'd give anything to make this happen... anything.

Sat, 25 Mar 2006 22:04:58 GMT

wow, I've been sitting alone in my room all day. Normally that wouldn't bother me so much... but, well... today is my birthday and it's 5 PM and I haven't seen anyone... I just, I don't know... it's kinda depressing... I'm tired of being depressed... damn it

LOST... I'm so lost

Mon, 06 Mar 2006 00:48:41 GMT

I've recently come to realize how little confidence I really have. I mean, I have such a hard time just being me sometimes, I don't like me, I don't feel like other people like me, and I'm scared as hell to let myself be liked.
It's not like I'm trying to do this consciously, it's just that that's how it comes out.

Fear of being happy, fear of being hurt, fear of being sad, or mad, or angry, or just for once being loved. I'm scared of everything that isn't but I hate so much that is.

It's like I'm stuck in a self-imposed slump. I'm not happy here, but somehow I'm comfortable being unhappy. How can I let myself continue life this way?

I need to change but I don't know how, I don't know what to change

bored... lonely... the usual

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 05:43:22 GMT

How you really say "I love you." by lenatheraven
Name
...believe in true love?
Your hands say	With me, you'll never be lost.
Your eyes say	I'm so lucky.
Your hugs say	I promise I will try to keep you safe.
Your kisses say	I almost can't believe you love me.
Your body says	I want to wake up beside you.
Your heart says	Je t'aime.

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	mysterious
Your hugs are...	friendly
Your eyes...	burn into my heart
Your touch is...	heart warming
Your smell is...	refreshing
Your smile is...	amazing
Your love is...	everlasting

Quiz created with MemeGen!

POEM!!

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 02:59:20 GMT

For You

Waiting.

Watching anxiously.

Longing to see your face.

I don't know you.

You don't know me.

Recognition

Immediately.

I feel you.

You make me want.

I want to know all there is.

To be beside you

Contentment

Wondering.

Could this be it?

Could this be what I've waited for?

I can't help but look.

Smile nervously.

Sadness

Touch me.

I ache to feel you.

To taste your lips.

Hold your body against mine.

Tell me you feel this way too.

Ultimate connection.

Gazing.

Our eyes meet.

I look away shyly.

Smiling eyes.

I'll keep waiting

For you.

I should be happy right now

Wed, 14 Dec 2005 04:36:03 GMT

FUCK... i hate my life so much.

Classes ended today... I only have one take home exam in the form of a short paper and 2 actual tests to take. I should be happy that I'm so close to being done.

I'm fucking miserable.

Nothing can ever just be good. I don't know why but for the past week almost I've been crying myself to sleep every night. I don't know why I'm so unhappy.

There's nothing worse than feeling like you've worked your ass off to make friends that don't care about you. They just take advantage of me.

I got out of class at 9:30 today and when i got back my roommate wasn't in our room. So, naturally, I called her. She ignored my call. About an hour later she and another friend come back.

She acknowledged the fact that she ignored my call by saying her phone was on vibrate. She had to know I'd be calling. I've gotten out of class every Tuesday all semester at 9:30 and if she wasn't in the room, I called, just to see where she was. Then about 3 minutes later she turns to our other friend and says "okay, let's go". Did she invite me, no, not until I asked where they were going, she asked if I wanted to come as an afterthought. Like, well, now I feel bad so do you want to come?

No I don't want to go with you because you obviously don't want me to go with you.

Fuck Them ALL!!

I hate it here. In class I'm surrounded by interesting smart people that I just want to get to know better but I'm just the quiet insecure girl who never says anything. WHY? because I'm scared to death of people. I'm scared of people not liking me, I'm scared of people liking me. I'm scared to get to know someone because when you really know someone, when they really know you, they just let you down or decide they don't really like you.

At least that's how it's been in my life. No one has stayed by my side. I'm so scared of what might happen if someone decides to try.

I'm scared of feeling the way I feel for the rest of my life.

More than anything, I'm scared of being alone, as completely and truly alone as I feel right now. I can't deal with it anymore.

I don't want to be alone anymore

FUCK

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 18:05:45 GMT

I feel like I only update this when I really need to vent abuot something upsetting or sad or when I just need to whine. Unfortunately, that's all I have to do right now.

I really hate myself. I really do. I know what I want, I know what I deserve yet I always settle for anything I can get; which is usually less than anyone deserves. I just "fooled around" with a pretty much random guy. Yeah, but I wouldn't even call it foolng around. No, because he didn't even touch me. To be perfectly honest, no one ever really has. I hate that I'm so fucking insecure and lonely and I find myslef so undesireable that I will settle for a meaning-less blow job just so that I can feel something; any kind of a connection to a man. Deep down I know that I deserve better but I am so fucking tired of being lonely that I'll settle for the bottom of the barrell a ten cent whore wouldn't even touch.

I wish I could say that I feel used, that's it's all his fault. But fuck, I need that connection, I need that reassurance. At least I think I do, then 10 minutes later I just hate myself. I really feel like I can't do any better, like I never will, so I'll take what I can get... It's just not enough... I guess I'm just not enough.

Why do guys look at me and know that I'm the type of girl who will give them what they want without expecting anything in return? Why do I continue to let them.

There's nothing in the world that I want more than for someone to kiss me, to hold me, to give me a hug without sex being a part of it. FUCK... I didn't even get the kiss or the hug... I never have... I don't think that I ever will.

I need more but I don't know how to get it...

All I'm left with right now is tears on my pillow and pain in my heart.

I know I'm not attractive, I can live with that. I can't live with the pain that comes from being an easy target, it's tearing me apart.

I feel like my heart has been trampled by a horde of elephants.

Maybe I should try to do something about my depression... go talk to someone or something... but that's my other problem. I'm so scared of everything... I'm so scared of being told I'm depressed (even though I know I am)... I'm so scared of falling apart compeletly... Even though I think I already have

I'm so ficking tired of being me... can't I just be someone else for one day... Can's I just be the type of girl a guy asks out instead of prepositions...I want to be the type of girl a guy actually wants to date instead of the type a guy uses when he's horny and can't find anything better.

I don't want to be me anymore. I want to leave my life and find a better one.

What's Worse than Losing Your Best Friend?

Fri, 02 Sep 2005 22:32:54 GMT

Today has been the hardest day of my life. We put Dillon down yesterday. I of course had to watch, I had to stay with him. There's nothing harder than watching him take his last breath, than seeing the final flutter of air fall from his mouth. I'v been scared of losing him since the day he had his first seizure but nothing could have possibly prepared me for it. I think that the worst part was seeing the tears falling from my fathers eyes.

It just keeps getting worse. I couldn't sleep in my bed last night. Dillon slept with me every night for over 13 years, I couldn't be there without him so I spent one long sleepless night on the couch. Everywhere I look I expect to see him. He's no longer following me around, sitting at my feet so that I could pet him.

It's so hard for me to believe that I'll never get to touch him again, that I'll never hear his happy bark or fell his warmth on a cold night.

It sounds so dramatic but fuck, I miss my puppy.

How do you say Goodbye?

Thu, 01 Sep 2005 16:21:18 GMT

Very early this morning I was awakened by my dog who was having a seizure. As he's a a few I sat with him, helped him through the actual seizure then the recovery then let him out of my room as he needed to walk around and regain his bearings. A little more than an hour later, around 7:30 my mom came into my room to let me know that my dog was still seizuring, almost continually without recovering. I walked down the stairs to see my dad, who should have already been at work, hunched over the dog with tears in his eyes. I of course was and have been hysterical for the past 3 hours now.

He's stopped seizuring, at least he hasn't had one in a little over a half an hour but he can't walk, he doesn't know where he is, who he is or who I am. He's just laying in the middle of the living room, covered in his own urine and feces as he loses control of his bowels when he's seizuring (I have been trying to clean him up.) He can't stand up, he's tried, but I think one of his seizures paralyzed the back end of his body.

I hate being an adult. As he is for all intents and purposes my dog it's my decision what to do. I want to be selfish, I want to pretend he's fine and keep him alive for just a little longer. He's been my companion and best friend for over 13 years. I can't do that to him, just to look at him now, his poor blind eyes searching for something. He's scared of everything. Lost and confused. I have to put him to sleep.

I don't know if I'll be able to handle it. I don't know how to deal with this.

How do you say goodbye to your best friend?

FUCK

Tue, 23 Aug 2005 06:04:47 GMT

So totally sucky... The hard drive in my computer died. What does that mean... well... I've lost all of my files... everything... I have to buy a new one, get it installed and start over with the whole damn thing. so frustrating. i took it to the geek squad.. they are doing a diagnosis... which is 60... then they can maybe get my files and stuff off of it... which will cost 200... then the actual hard drive is 150 and to have them install it is 40...

SO frustrating... oh well..

School starts in a little less than 2 weeks... I'm not sure How I feel about that... I'll have to let you know...

Stupid Lil' Fun Survey...

Fri, 12 Aug 2005 07:06:32 GMT

LAST PERSON WHO...
1. Slept in your bed: unfortunately... just me
2. Saw you cry: hmmm... tough one... anyone who knows me... ha ha
3. Made you cry: not a person... it's all about situations
4. Spent the night with: Well... Nikkie... woooo
5.You went to the movies with: again Nikkie... woo for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (for the 7th time)
6. You went to the mall with: I went all by my lonesome yesterday
7. Sent you an email: I get one from thefacebook.com daily... I'm obsessive

HAVE U EVER..
1. Gotten in a fight with your pet: yeah, when I'm trying to sleep... he usually wins... stupid dog
2. Been to New York: Yup
3. Florida: yes
4. California: twice
5.Hawaii: I want to!
6. Mexico: many times
7. Canada: nope
8. Red or blue: can I say both?
9.Spring or Fall: spring in Colorado, Fall in New York
10.. Are you bored: I'm pretty much always bored... no fun
11. Last noise you heard: bitch fight on Degrassi!! I LOVE Degrassi
12. Last time you went out of the state: for school... what, 2 months ago
13. Do you have a crush on someone: I always have some sort of a crush... I'm definately a crusher
14. What book are you reading now: Sabriel by Garth Nix... about to start Lirial (I think I spelled that wrong)

EXTRA STUFF...
1. Do you do drugs: I have...
2. Do you drink: I enjoy being tipsy... I get giggly
3. What are you most scared of: not finding love
4. What clothes do you sleep in: depends... pants and a t... or nothing... or just pants... I'm not too picky
5. Who is the last person who called you: hmmm... I think Megan... yeah... well... excluding my sister and mom...
6. Where do you want to get married: wherever... I dont' know right now
7. Who do you really hate: you know... I don't hate anyone
8. Favorite number: 27 or 72
9. What type automobile do you drive? '95 Chevy Blazer... The Barney-Mobile baby
10.Are you usually on time or usually late? I HATE being late
11. Do you have a job: ha ha ha
12. Do you like being around people: yep.. I don't like being alone
13. Best feeling in the world: giddiness... being truely happy... even if it's just for a few minutes
14. Are you a health freak? um...

STUFF...
1. Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with: true love... no
2. Have you ever cried over something someone of the opposite sex did: all the time
3.Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: not at all... most seem to have nothing in common
4. Ever afraid you'll never get married: yeah, all the time
5. Ever want kids? as many as my husband will let me have

IN THE LAST 72 HOURS HAVE YOU...
1. Cried: I don't think so
2. Bought something: Um... does a slurpee count?
3. Gotten sick: nope
4. Sung: whenever I can
5. Said "I Love You": to my mommy
6. Met someone new: not really, no
7. Been Kissed: :'( no
8. Moved on: I never move on... though I'm not sure what I'm moving from
9. Missed someone: I miss Qiana... I'll be living with her soon... WOOOO
10. Hugged someone: Uh... yeah... Megan... I LOVE my Megan
11. Kissed someone: again... no
12. Fought with your parents: I dont fight

HAVE YOU EVER...
Crashed a friend's car – never had an accident...
Ridden in a taxi – a lot... in Saratoga...
Been in love – waiting patiently
Shoplifted – I think when I was little I took some candy once
Been fired - never really had a REAL job... except for catering
Been in a fist fight – I almost punched someone once, but I'm a lover not a fighter
Gone on a blind date – I've never been on any kind of a date
Had a crush on a teacher – ha ha ha
Been to Europe – I long to.. I will eventually
Skipped school – yeah, sure, it was so easy in Hike School
Been married – right...
Hometown: Littleton
Age: 19
Hair color: brown
Height: 5'5"
Siblings: a twin sister and one of the little sort

I hate Severus Snape

Sat, 23 Jul 2005 06:33:43 GMT

Well, I hat J.K Rowling, I hate Professor Snape, I hat Draco Malfoy, and Scrigemore (I don't think I speelled that right) and I don't think that I like Harry Potter anymore for that matter. I think i just spent about an hour reading that last 100 pages or so and crying. I hate them all, with a serious passion. I could kill them all, all of them... each and every one. Except that I want to know who R.K.B. is... what the fuck man, that's no way to end a book... AHHHHH...

On the bright side, i LOVE Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I have seen it 4 times now and can't wait to see it again!!

I also got all of my money back, for those of you who care to know... so I guess it wasn't as catastrophic as I had originally imagined. I'm to bed now, or something like that... ha ha ha...

When is ever enough?

Thu, 07 Jul 2005 23:33:07 GMT

So, I have a hilarious story to tell... some jackass from Hanoi broke into my checking account... my balance should be 1268.07... what my balance is... 58.07 they stole over $1,200.00 from me in under 15 minutes... is it okay if i just go shoot myself now? I just don't understand how they managed to do this. Don't ever sign up for paypal, because that's where they got my information. Can you possibly imagine what it's like to have that much money, that I've been working really hard to save up, just taken. I mean, it's gone. I have no money and no checking account anymore because of course they had to close it.

I just want to go curl up in a corner and wither away.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Desperation

Wed, 29 Jun 2005 06:49:13 GMT

Do you ever get to the point where you feel that there is no point at all because you can never come out on top? I feel like my life is one giant competition and I can't even begin to compete. I'm so tired of people not knowing me, not caring to know. I'm so sick of coming in second. I feel like no one that's around even gives a damn.

I'm scared. I'm falling for the completely wrong guy. It's not that he's a bad person or anything, it's just that I don't stand a chance, at all. I stand a better chance with... well, that's not important. This whole thing is completely rediculous. I'm so sick of being me.

Depression sucks.

What can I do though?

:'(

Mon, 09 May 2005 03:45:05 GMT

I give up.

I'm such a Failure

Mon, 09 May 2005 03:43:07 GMT

AHHHHHH... I just feel like crawling up in a ball and crying like a 3 year old. Everything right now sucks... I have a final tomorrow that I am going to fail (I failed the midterm... and I can't study for this one, I have some sort of mental block or something) I'm so depressed about it.
I'm so beat, so ready to have a break. I got back to my room at about 8 (after this poetry party where I sat in the corner alone the whole time) and cried for about an hour... now my eyes burn, my head hurts and nothing good came out of it... well, maybe something good did... I no longer feel like crying, I suppose that's good since every little thing has set me off for about a week now. I just want to go home damn it. But I have 3 more tests to fail.
I can't deal with people anymore. I'm so emotional I can't have a normal conversation like a normal person. I hope this summer goes well, that soemthing interesting happens otherwise I'm going to have to choke a bitch... ahhhhhh
I'm so unhappy...
I'm almost packed all the way... on the bright side... I'm bringing home about 10 loads of dirty laundry, but I'm a lazy bitch, so what are you going to do.
Robot Chicken is fucking awesome.
I made 60 bucks on some books... have a couple more to return. Maybe I'll be able to buy myself something pretty... probably not though because I have to pay for a cab to the airport... fucking bastards.
I have so much shit that I need to throw away but I don't feel like it... ha ha ha... my room is a mess even though most of my stuff is packed... FUCK
"I just made a doodie... In my pants" (Robot Chicken)
I'm going to go read now, FUCK tests and Skidmore.
Out