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| 12:51pm 04/02/2007 |
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Updated book list!!
Garth Nix; Sabriel
Garth Nix: Lirael
Garth Nix; Abhorsen
Nora Roberts; Playing the Odds
Nora Roberts; Tempting Fate
Nora Roberts; The MacGregors, Julia
Nora Roberts; The MacGregors,Ian
Nora Roberts; The MacGregors,DC
Nora Roberts; The MacGregors,Laura
Nora Roberts; The MacGregors,Duncan
Nora Roberts; The MacGregors,Gwen
Nora Roberts; Angels Fall
Nick Hornby; High Fidelity
Brian Friel; Translations (A Play)
Somewhere Over the Balcony (also a Play)
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| 07:25pm 18/01/2007 |
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so i upped it to 100 because i'm reading too much... ha ha ha right
adding to the previous list:
Nora Roberts (ALL)
The MacGregors
Julia
Ian
DC
Laura
Duncan
Gwen
yeah... that's 6 diff. books... ha ha ha |
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| Books |
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| 01:16pm 10/01/2007 |
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It is my goal to actually keep track of the number of books and titles of the books that I read in 2007. I'm starting with a goal of 50 books but am sure I'll surpass that quickly...
This is the list so far...
Garth Nix; Sabriel
Garth Nix: Lirael
Garth Nix; Abhorsen
Nora Roberts; Playing the Odds
Nora Roberts; Tempting Fate
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| 02:29pm 10/11/2006 |
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mood:  depressed
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this is stupid... writing all these entries that no one will read... but oh well... i need to vent...
i'm so sick of all this bullshit going on... i don't need this drama and arguing about nothing...
I don't know what I'm going to do next semester if he leaves... once again I feel like I've found someone who might actually care and be a good friend all the time... and it's not like that'll change... it's just that i don't know what i'll do... ugh
i give up... |
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| damn |
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| 01:11am 10/11/2006 |
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mood:  pessimistic music: Love Song for No One, John Mayer
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so I was just listening to old (I mean really old) Christina Aguilera. It evoked all these old feelings... like... this one song, Love For ALl Seasons... I used to really believe that I'd find someone... that I might be happy... ever... but no when I listen to it it just makes me laugh and cry simultaneously... I really used to believe in love... and now I just don't know anymore, at least not for me...
Since I don't think anyone (except Nikkie) reads this I'm content in saying this...
lately all I can think about is the fact that I'm alone... everything just smacks me in the face...
there's a formal for the Juniors here the first weekend in December... and I'd like nothing more than to have a date... I know it won't happen... and I used to believe that there was nothing wrong with wishing and dreaming... but I just can't believe that anymore... because I'm still sitting here, alone... just like I have been every fucking night of my life...
It might not seem like that big of a deal to anyone else... but I've never had any of that "normal" stuff people generally correlate with relationsihps... I've never been asked out, or liked for that matter, I've never been on a date, or kissed (technically), no one has ever held my hand or looked into my eyes...
this all makes me feel so pathetic...
ugh |
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| SO.. |
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| 03:26am 07/11/2006 |
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SO I wrote
story for my fiction class that isn't really fiction... it's actually my story (minus ages 15, 16, and 21 obviously)... and everyone read it not knowing it was mine... and they were throwing around phrases like "tragically beautiful" and not believing that something like this would really happen... guys mostly were saying this... I don't know how that makes me feel really... I mean... I guess it's good that some guys think that stuff like this doesn't happen... 'cause it means they don't do this... but then another guy was like... what's wrong with this girl that she's being treated like this... and damn it that's what I've been asking myself for years...
I want something "normal" to happen, just once... I want something that I could never put in a story because it's "too happy"
I hate feeling sorry for myself... I hate crying... |
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| :'( |
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| 07:28am 06/11/2006 |
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mood: sad, but happy... but sad
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SO watching Queer as Folk is terribly depressing... while I love love love the show, it makes me want things that I'm usually able to forget about... but damn... I want romance, and a man who loves me the way Ethan and Brian both love Justin... ugh...
We had a party saturday... none of my friends showed up and while I was very (and I really do mean very, I was about to go hide in my room and cry) unhappy at the beginning, I ended up having a blast. I mean, seriously... I finally met people I feel like I've been searching for the whole time I've been here...
that too makes me sad... but oh well... better late than never I suppose
I want a relationship so badly... I want someone to hug, to hold my hand... to want to talk to me, damnit... I want so much and I just don't feel like I'll ever really get any of it... |
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| um... |
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| 06:39am 30/10/2006 |
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So it occurred to me that I haven't posted here in a while and it's a habit I'd like to take up again... so my goal is to write something everyday... even if it's terribly stupid... so yeah...
I continue to find myself preoccupied with my subconscious need to find a guy... I mean... I really can't think of much else...
It's slightly terrifying that I can't find one... even moreso that I've come to realize that I'm almost 21 years old and I've never been on a date... shit I've never even been asked on a date... or "liked"
what the fuck is wrong with me...
I think maybe I just want to have sex... sometimes... then I think about how badly I want to be in a relationship
... ugh
i have to write a 2,000 word story for fiction by friday... and start another that needs to be around 15 pages for my other writing class... I'm a little worn out with story writing...
I'm off to bed... thank goodness for DUke... I'd be lost without him... |
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| so I wrote a new poem... lemme know what you think! |
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| 07:50pm 21/10/2006 |
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The dog peed on the rug again and I’m all alone
The rain outside my window makes me want to dance; or cry.
Why should the hands he placed on my shoulder have set me off?
As if they themselves had caused all my pain
The first time I’ve been touched by a man in too long to mention
The first time, and it made me cry, tears stream down my face,
The rain has moved inside
Dark and cold
I have to be mad at the dog, he can’t keep doing this
But he’s all I have; my constant companion
He’ll always be there to give me affection
No one else has been
It smells like rain and piss and Febreeze
A bad mixture but somehow, some way, comforting
I put the rug in the washing machine
But I still smell it
I didn’t go to bed until about 6
No real reason, just didn’t want to sleep
When I sleep I let myself dream
My dreams only make me yearn for more
When I pick him up he rests his head on my shoulder
I want someone I can rest my head on
I want someone to love me like he does
He’s just a dog after all
It’s raining harder now, louder and
I’ve opened the window to let in the cold
Outside has become inside
Inside has become outside
lost |
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| pathetic |
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| 02:26am 09/04/2006 |
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mood:  giddy
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Okay, so maybe I'm the biggest loser on the planet... and he was dancing with every other girl in the club... but damn when he came and grabbed my hand... I hit cloud nine, possibly even ten or eleven. It's been a long fucking time since I've liked someone like this, you know, to that point where you just smile thinking about his name... you see him and you can't stop smiling for hours.
Well... when he grabbed my hand and pulled me into that dance... I was completely lost to him.
I don't want to like someone like this, it tends lo lead to heartbreak. It's just because i'm so easily broken. I sit here smiling until I think about what "might" happen then I convince myself to stop because it never will. So far it never has.
I want so baldy for him to be the one to fill the hole that's in my heart... I want to be wanted that way.
It's been too damn long
I can't stop smiling
I'd give anything to make this happen... anything. |
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| 05:03pm 25/03/2006 |
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mood:  gloomy
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wow, I've been sitting alone in my room all day. Normally that wouldn't bother me so much... but, well... today is my birthday and it's 5 PM and I haven't seen anyone... I just, I don't know... it's kinda depressing... I'm tired of being depressed... damn it |
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| LOST... I'm so lost |
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| 07:47pm 05/03/2006 |
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mood:  Will Someone Care
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I've recently come to realize how little confidence I really have. I mean, I have such a hard time just being me sometimes, I don't like me, I don't feel like other people like me, and I'm scared as hell to let myself be liked.
It's not like I'm trying to do this consciously, it's just that that's how it comes out.
Fear of being happy, fear of being hurt, fear of being sad, or mad, or angry, or just for once being loved. I'm scared of everything that isn't but I hate so much that is.
It's like I'm stuck in a self-imposed slump. I'm not happy here, but somehow I'm comfortable being unhappy. How can I let myself continue life this way?
I need to change but I don't know how, I don't know what to change |
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| POEM!! |
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| 10:00pm 30/01/2006 |
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mood: depressed
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For You
Waiting.
Watching anxiously.
Longing to see your face.
I don't know you.
You don't know me.
Recognition
Immediately.
I feel you.
You make me want.
I want to know all there is.
To be beside you
Contentment
Wondering.
Could this be it?
Could this be what I've waited for?
I can't help but look.
Smile nervously.
Sadness
Touch me.
I ache to feel you.
To taste your lips.
Hold your body against mine.
Tell me you feel this way too.
Ultimate connection.
Gazing.
Our eyes meet.
I look away shyly.
Smiling eyes.
I'll keep waiting
For you. |
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| I should be happy right now |
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| 11:32pm 13/12/2005 |
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mood: So Terribly Alone music: Christmas music... at least something makes me smile
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FUCK... i hate my life so much.
Classes ended today... I only have one take home exam in the form of a short paper and 2 actual tests to take. I should be happy that I'm so close to being done.
I'm fucking miserable.
Nothing can ever just be good. I don't know why but for the past week almost I've been crying myself to sleep every night. I don't know why I'm so unhappy.
There's nothing worse than feeling like you've worked your ass off to make friends that don't care about you. They just take advantage of me.
I got out of class at 9:30 today and when i got back my roommate wasn't in our room. So, naturally, I called her. She ignored my call. About an hour later she and another friend come back.
She acknowledged the fact that she ignored my call by saying her phone was on vibrate. She had to know I'd be calling. I've gotten out of class every Tuesday all semester at 9:30 and if she wasn't in the room, I called, just to see where she was. Then about 3 minutes later she turns to our other friend and says "okay, let's go". Did she invite me, no, not until I asked where they were going, she asked if I wanted to come as an afterthought. Like, well, now I feel bad so do you want to come?
No I don't want to go with you because you obviously don't want me to go with you.
Fuck Them ALL!!
I hate it here. In class I'm surrounded by interesting smart people that I just want to get to know better but I'm just the quiet insecure girl who never says anything. WHY? because I'm scared to death of people. I'm scared of people not liking me, I'm scared of people liking me. I'm scared to get to know someone because when you really know someone, when they really know you, they just let you down or decide they don't really like you.
At least that's how it's been in my life. No one has stayed by my side. I'm so scared of what might happen if someone decides to try.
I'm scared of feeling the way I feel for the rest of my life.
More than anything, I'm scared of being alone, as completely and truly alone as I feel right now. I can't deal with it anymore.
I don't want to be alone anymore |
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| FUCK |
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| 01:47pm 28/10/2005 |
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mood: lost music: Qiana's Hindu music
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I feel like I only update this when I really need to vent abuot something upsetting or sad or when I just need to whine. Unfortunately, that's all I have to do right now.
I really hate myself. I really do. I know what I want, I know what I deserve yet I always settle for anything I can get; which is usually less than anyone deserves. I just "fooled around" with a pretty much random guy. Yeah, but I wouldn't even call it foolng around. No, because he didn't even touch me. To be perfectly honest, no one ever really has. I hate that I'm so fucking insecure and lonely and I find myslef so undesireable that I will settle for a meaning-less blow job just so that I can feel something; any kind of a connection to a man. Deep down I know that I deserve better but I am so fucking tired of being lonely that I'll settle for the bottom of the barrell a ten cent whore wouldn't even touch.
I wish I could say that I feel used, that's it's all his fault. But fuck, I need that connection, I need that reassurance. At least I think I do, then 10 minutes later I just hate myself. I really feel like I can't do any better, like I never will, so I'll take what I can get... It's just not enough... I guess I'm just not enough.
Why do guys look at me and know that I'm the type of girl who will give them what they want without expecting anything in return? Why do I continue to let them.
There's nothing in the world that I want more than for someone to kiss me, to hold me, to give me a hug without sex being a part of it. FUCK... I didn't even get the kiss or the hug... I never have... I don't think that I ever will.
I need more but I don't know how to get it...
All I'm left with right now is tears on my pillow and pain in my heart.
I know I'm not attractive, I can live with that. I can't live with the pain that comes from being an easy target, it's tearing me apart.
I feel like my heart has been trampled by a horde of elephants.
Maybe I should try to do something about my depression... go talk to someone or something... but that's my other problem. I'm so scared of everything... I'm so scared of being told I'm depressed (even though I know I am)... I'm so scared of falling apart compeletly... Even though I think I already have
I'm so ficking tired of being me... can't I just be someone else for one day... Can's I just be the type of girl a guy asks out instead of prepositions...I want to be the type of girl a guy actually wants to date instead of the type a guy uses when he's horny and can't find anything better.
I don't want to be me anymore. I want to leave my life and find a better one. |
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| What's Worse than Losing Your Best Friend? |
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| 04:25pm 02/09/2005 |
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mood: depressed
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Today has been the hardest day of my life. We put Dillon down yesterday. I of course had to watch, I had to stay with him. There's nothing harder than watching him take his last breath, than seeing the final flutter of air fall from his mouth. I'v been scared of losing him since the day he had his first seizure but nothing could have possibly prepared me for it. I think that the worst part was seeing the tears falling from my fathers eyes.
It just keeps getting worse. I couldn't sleep in my bed last night. Dillon slept with me every night for over 13 years, I couldn't be there without him so I spent one long sleepless night on the couch. Everywhere I look I expect to see him. He's no longer following me around, sitting at my feet so that I could pet him.
It's so hard for me to believe that I'll never get to touch him again, that I'll never hear his happy bark or fell his warmth on a cold night.
It sounds so dramatic but fuck, I miss my puppy. |
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| How do you say Goodbye? |
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| 10:10am 01/09/2005 |
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mood: I Love you Dillon
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Very early this morning I was awakened by my dog who was having a seizure. As he's a a few I sat with him, helped him through the actual seizure then the recovery then let him out of my room as he needed to walk around and regain his bearings. A little more than an hour later, around 7:30 my mom came into my room to let me know that my dog was still seizuring, almost continually without recovering. I walked down the stairs to see my dad, who should have already been at work, hunched over the dog with tears in his eyes. I of course was and have been hysterical for the past 3 hours now.
He's stopped seizuring, at least he hasn't had one in a little over a half an hour but he can't walk, he doesn't know where he is, who he is or who I am. He's just laying in the middle of the living room, covered in his own urine and feces as he loses control of his bowels when he's seizuring (I have been trying to clean him up.) He can't stand up, he's tried, but I think one of his seizures paralyzed the back end of his body.
I hate being an adult. As he is for all intents and purposes my dog it's my decision what to do. I want to be selfish, I want to pretend he's fine and keep him alive for just a little longer. He's been my companion and best friend for over 13 years. I can't do that to him, just to look at him now, his poor blind eyes searching for something. He's scared of everything. Lost and confused. I have to put him to sleep.
I don't know if I'll be able to handle it. I don't know how to deal with this.
How do you say goodbye to your best friend? |
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| FUCK |
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| 12:04am 23/08/2005 |
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mood: frustrated music: Mr. A-Z
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So totally sucky... The hard drive in my computer died. What does that mean... well... I've lost all of my files... everything... I have to buy a new one, get it installed and start over with the whole damn thing. so frustrating. i took it to the geek squad.. they are doing a diagnosis... which is 60... then they can maybe get my files and stuff off of it... which will cost 200... then the actual hard drive is 150 and to have them install it is 40...
SO frustrating... oh well..
School starts in a little less than 2 weeks... I'm not sure How I feel about that... I'll have to let you know...
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| Stupid Lil' Fun Survey... |
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| 01:05am 12/08/2005 |
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mood:  :-D music: Digging the new Jason Mraz
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LAST PERSON WHO...
1. Slept in your bed: unfortunately... just me
2. Saw you cry: hmmm... tough one... anyone who knows me... ha ha
3. Made you cry: not a person... it's all about situations
4. Spent the night with: Well... Nikkie... woooo
5.You went to the movies with: again Nikkie... woo for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (for the 7th time)
6. You went to the mall with: I went all by my lonesome yesterday
7. Sent you an email: I get one from thefacebook.com daily... I'm obsessive
HAVE U EVER..
1. Gotten in a fight with your pet: yeah, when I'm trying to sleep... he usually wins... stupid dog
2. Been to New York: Yup
3. Florida: yes
4. California: twice
5.Hawaii: I want to!
6. Mexico: many times
7. Canada: nope
8. Red or blue: can I say both?
9.Spring or Fall: spring in Colorado, Fall in New York
10.. Are you bored: I'm pretty much always bored... no fun
11. Last noise you heard: bitch fight on Degrassi!! I LOVE Degrassi
12. Last time you went out of the state: for school... what, 2 months ago
13. Do you have a crush on someone: I always have some sort of a crush... I'm definately a crusher
14. What book are you reading now: Sabriel by Garth Nix... about to start Lirial (I think I spelled that wrong)
EXTRA STUFF...
1. Do you do drugs: I have...
2. Do you drink: I enjoy being tipsy... I get giggly
3. What are you most scared of: not finding love
4. What clothes do you sleep in: depends... pants and a t... or nothing... or just pants... I'm not too picky
5. Who is the last person who called you: hmmm... I think Megan... yeah... well... excluding my sister and mom...
6. Where do you want to get married: wherever... I dont' know right now
7. Who do you really hate: you know... I don't hate anyone
8. Favorite number: 27 or 72
9. What type automobile do you drive? '95 Chevy Blazer... The Barney-Mobile baby
10.Are you usually on time or usually late? I HATE being late
11. Do you have a job: ha ha ha
12. Do you like being around people: yep.. I don't like being alone
13. Best feeling in the world: giddiness... being truely happy... even if it's just for a few minutes
14. Are you a health freak? um...
STUFF...
1. Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with: true love... no
2. Have you ever cried over something someone of the opposite sex did: all the time
3.Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: not at all... most seem to have nothing in common
4. Ever afraid you'll never get married: yeah, all the time
5. Ever want kids? as many as my husband will let me have
IN THE LAST 72 HOURS HAVE YOU...
1. Cried: I don't think so
2. Bought something: Um... does a slurpee count?
3. Gotten sick: nope
4. Sung: whenever I can
5. Said "I Love You": to my mommy
6. Met someone new: not really, no
7. Been Kissed: :'( no
8. Moved on: I never move on... though I'm not sure what I'm moving from
9. Missed someone: I miss Qiana... I'll be living with her soon... WOOOO
10. Hugged someone: Uh... yeah... Megan... I LOVE my Megan
11. Kissed someone: again... no
12. Fought with your parents: I dont fight
HAVE YOU EVER...
Crashed a friend's car – never had an accident...
Ridden in a taxi – a lot... in Saratoga...
Been in love – waiting patiently
Shoplifted – I think when I was little I took some candy once
Been fired - never really had a REAL job... except for catering
Been in a fist fight – I almost punched someone once, but I'm a lover not a fighter
Gone on a blind date – I've never been on any kind of a date
Had a crush on a teacher – ha ha ha
Been to Europe – I long to.. I will eventually
Skipped school – yeah, sure, it was so easy in Hike School
Been married – right...
Hometown: Littleton
Age: 19
Hair color: brown
Height: 5'5"
Siblings: a twin sister and one of the little sort |
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kelsey7227's journal
